Have you ever been so sick, so tired, so beaten down that you lost all hope?
At 33 years of age, I had decided that I simply “didn’t get to be happy”. I focused my energy on my children and my career, while doing my best to survive an 8-year marriage to a malignant narcissist with a rage disorder. My health had been steadily deteriorating under the massive amounts of stress I was living with, and I was taking prescription medication to stave off the continual pain and exhaustion that made it challenging to function.
And then a conversation changed my life.
I decided in a moment that it was time to choose a different path. I deserved to be happy – or at least to try. And my girls deserved to have a mother who had the energy to do things with them, who wasn’t trapped in a room being yelled at, who wasn’t crying and miserable all the time.
So I left.
It was complicated, messy, and terrifying – and still is. I figured there was a 50/50 chance I wouldn’t survive the night, but every night that I did, I felt the tiniest bit more hopeful. I still don’t know what the final outcome will be, but it doesn’t matter any more. I am living my life, and I am free, and my girls and I are successfully pursuing happiness.
I still have challenges of them; lots, in fact. LOL I struggle with PTSD and depression, fibromyalgia, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, and the regular day-to-day stuff. I lost my job very recently, and am looking at being unemployed for the first time since I married my ex and became the sole breadwinner. I have literally no idea how I’m going to make it all work, let alone get healthy and financially stable. My car was just totalled, my girls both need braces rather urgently, my credit is destroyed from the ongoing divorce, and so on and so forth.
But you know what?
I have hope.
This is the real-time story of my journey, the challenges I have faced, am facing, and occasionally overcome (or at least learned from), and how I went from desperate and dying inside to finding my way back to hope. It is my wish that something in these pages helps you to do the same, or at least to realize that you are not alone – and you deserve to be happy, too.
In love, light and resilience,